I have never forgotten a single word

I have never forgotten a single word you told me
From the chat we started to the very last word you told me
I know I have always been putting up a false front to you
Because I was scared
But I have never forgotten what you said to me
Each and single them mean everything to me
I promise to love you forever until after the end of time
I promise to grow old with you
I promise to only belong to you
You promise to protect me
You promise never to leave me
You promise to grow old with me
You mean the world to me
You always have
And never will that change
I am sorry I was so stubborn
Always trying to speak the opposite
But I have never been more honest and truthful than before
I love you forever
My Monster
Nothing can make me change this
You mean forever to me

If you lose hope
I will give you hope
If you lose your way
I shall be your compass
If you fear
I shall be your strength
No more threats and negativity
Just more affirmations and steadiness
The love only gets stronger each time after a breakdown
Our love is getting way stronger
Give me your hand
And I will give you a miracle


"I love you, truly. I am strong, we are strong.
Monster"

Always yours,
Baby Raymond

Just a note

Just a note for my Monster

I found a piece of torn page from the book, "Alice in Wonderland" while waiting for the bus today.
"Well!" Alice thought to herself. After a fall like this, I shall think nothing of tumbling downstairs!" Down, down, down. Would the fall ever come to an end? I wonder how many miles I have fallen? I must be getting somewhere near."

I have fallen far beneath in the past
I am also done falling
The fall has come to an end
I have reached somewhere near
And that is your heart
I am so close
You are so close
We are so close
My heart is with you
Let me home
And I shall bring all the happiness you deserve
All back, if not, better!
I have faith that I can create the magic
Loving you have been the best thing that ever happen to my life

Forever yours
Baby Raymond

My beautiful, Charming, Giving and Loving Monster

Good Morning Monster!

An early post it is.
Nothing much, just to tell you how much I love you
Please don't give up hope
Because we have so much more to give
I know you're hurt and being protective
And Baby has learnt his lesson
Baby is not asking for more
Just one more chance
To let Baby right the mistakes he had committed
Baby just wants to come home to Monster
That's all
Don't stop believing in us
You promised to marry me one day
And we promised forever until after the end of time
We don't promise easily
But when we do
It is then done
Don't run away from Baby
Because Baby will find you down the road
And he will hug Monster so tight
And make sure he doesn't run away from Baby this time
Baby loved the times when they spent in Canberra
And he wants to do that with Monster for the rest of his life
Baby realised that roaming around was stupid
And he just wants to climb into Monster's arms and say
"Goodnight Monster and dream of me!"
You've always told me this, but this time, I am saying it to you
You have no idea how much I love you
Actually, I thought I just loved you
But until then I realised that I love you
I love you
I know home is safe and comfortable
But don't worry
When Monster thinks it is safe to step out
Baby will be waiting
They ask me why?
I say, "Nothing much, just that he is my man. The man that believed in us, the husband that loves me more than anyone can imagine and the soulmate that brings nothing but beauty into Baby's life."
I love you
Please forgive Baby and let me come home

Loving you forever,
Baby Raymond

I am not giving up

Dear Monster

How was your Saturday? I had a concert at NAFA today in the afternoon. It was not tiring but the pieces were easy so I was half the time zoning out! I had a few conversation with a violinist and she asked me if I am interested in taking Dip in teaching. Maybe I should take that. It was a good concert because I get to see friends I haven't seen for ages.
After that, I walked with Esther to Bugis train station and then to Raffles Place to Desmond's birthday party at Ascott's. As expected, Jaslyn was late again! When we got there, no one else was there! We were like really punctual! We talked a bit, met Desmond's new bf, Just hanging around basically. Then I saw Melvin, Bryan's ex. Surprisingly, he is another K-Pop fan like Jaslyn! They all are supporting us. They all know we are more than just the bickering and physical.

I am not giving up on you
I am not giving up on us
I love you more than anything in this world
I am sorry we fought
I am genuinely sorry
I am doing everything I can to get you back
I know its not easy but for what's worth
You ARE the love of my life
My one true love
I have did wrong
And I can tell you each and single of it
Each you would only talk to me
This time
It is different
I know it and you know it
Give us this chance that we owed ourselves
To work things together
We have always been trying to work things out alone
But its too much
We have to work it out together
And I want us to work this out together
And after that
We can soar the sky

I should have understood earlier
But I know its not too late
If there's a limit to my life
I rather use it to love you and spend time together forever
Indifference is bad
Quarreling is as bad
I just wanna spend my life loving you
Let's rebuild
We will learn to love better

Forever yours
Baby Raymond

Loving you always
Baby Raymond

Baby loves you

I am sorry we fought
I am sorry I was reckless
I am sorry I took advantages of you
I am sorry I didn't learn my mistakes previously
I am sorry I for things I have done
I am sorry for annoying you
I am sorry I came to Perth to find you
I am sorry I love you so much
I am sorry

Please forgive me and let me home
Baby misses you
And he really loves you
Please forgive Baby
He cries to sleep every night
And wakes up crying
Please forgive Baby
He promised to be good and he is good now
Don't desert him
He is a good boy and he loves Monster a lot

I love you a lot
Please feel it again
Don't become a stone
You don't have to anymore
I promise you
This time it's safe
Please let me home

Love you
Baby Raymond

Friday

Dear Nicholas,

How was your day again? I had a slow day today.
I had a new private student today, he is from Nanyang Polytechnic and he plays the viola. He doesn't really have full potential but he is motivated and I hope he will learn a lot from me.
I went swimming with Nicholas Leow at Jurong Safra after that, we were then chatting about almost everything. From people to friendship, to weather and many more. We had lunch at Jack's place, it was cheap, only $6.50!
I am sorry that I have mistreated you, and I am taking up responsibility at each step.
I love you more than anyone else in this world.
People fight all the time, and when they do, they get nasty, I got nasty.
But at the end of the day, I come back, with more understanding and strength.
And we forgive each other and open our arms to each other again.
I will be waiting for my Monster, my lover, my husband.
The one and only.
Please forgive me and bring me back to your arms.
This time, we will be stronger, and soaring the sky.

Love you forever
Baby Raymond

Please forgive me

Oh Lover, hold on
'Till i come back again
For these arms are growin' tired,
And my tales are wearing thin

If you're patient I will surprise,
When you wake up I'll have come

All the anger will settle down
And we'll go do all the things we should have done

Yes I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
I'll be here if you will only come back home

Oh lover, I'm lost
Because the road I've chosen beckens me away

You told me,
"Oh lover, don't you roam"
Now I'm fighting words I never thought I'd say

But I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
You said, "I'll forgive you oh
If you just come back home"

Oh lover, I'm old
You'll be out there and be thinking just of me

And i will find you down the road
And will return back home to where we're meant to be

'Cause i remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
We'll be back soon as we make history.

Missing you

Dear Nicholas,

I miss you so much....
I went volunteered to play Christmas Carols at a nursing home at Clementi area with a group of musicians from St. Andrew's Cathedral, it was heart warming. I love seeing the folks have fun and laugh. They came to me and smile the short performance, somehow, I feel close to older folks.
After that, I went home and I did some practicing and I think I am losing my 'picture for music', I hope its not permanent!
I am so sorry that I have emailing you so many times today, I can't help it, I miss you, your voice, you face, you.
I am truly sorry for what I have done but I believe its never too late to repent and come home to my love ones. I am repenting now and I hope you see it too. I don't ask for much, just one more chance to show you the beautiful me inside.
Please believe in my sincerity, honesty, will, determination and love this time.
I am home, please let me in.

Truly yours,
Baby Raymond

Blind day it is...

Dear Monster,

How was your day? Mine was rather rough today. I went to get eye screening.
When I got there, the nurse asked me to get some solution into my eyes every 3-5mins to get them diluted before the X-ray. The first drop was painful! It burnt my eyes, literally. And I had to go on for a few times. After the test, my eyes felt like it was covered with a layer of blurred solution, everything was blur! I then walked out of the clinic and hurried back in because the sun was hurting my eyes a lot! Probably something got to do with the solution, it takes away your natural fluid in your eyes and made them very exposed to UV rays. I was so scared then, I was nauseous and covering eyes while walking. I was 65% blind and I wished I could talk to you on the phone to make me feel better or thinking of holding your hands. Thinking of you alone made it feel better and I braved the piercing sunlight, took a cab and went to teach.
Kendra, my trainer's daughter, she is very annoying today! Everything I got her to do, she refuses. I had a nice conversation with my trainer. We talked about horses, dogs, her children and music.
After that, I went home and I called up AFA and I am gonna volunteer for them! I hope I can use the strength I got from you and my best friends and give the people with HIV a home in spirit from me. You all have given me strength, and I will put thisin to good use!
In the evening, I brought Junior down while cycling. It was fun, he was running in front of me while I was taking my pace. Went to Pei Ying's place and helped her pack her room and tidy things up.
I was glad that I met up with the girls last night, from that, I realise they each have their deepest sorrows that they don't share to others except me. And I am gonna use this 'new' strength of mine to heal them.
You are in my heart and I see you.

Loving you, truly
Baby Raymond

Far!

Dear Nicholas,

How was your day? I hope it was fulfilling because mine was!
I went to Kranji, it was a crazy journey- I took bus 39 to seletar camp and changed to 168, but I took the wrong 168 and it went back to IKEA! I had to then cross over to the right 168 and take the dreadful journey to Woodlands and from there, I took 961 to the riding centre.
The riding centre was nice, it is very clean- they have locker rooms for riders to hang their stuff! From the school, I met 2 girls, Daphne and Morine, they use to learn riding from Gallop Stable, and they told me why they decided to leave for SG Turf Club Riding Centre was because of the management.
During the group assessment, I was given a horse named Jonas to ride on, he is one lazy horse according to the trainer. (Reminds me of Rina) It wasn't as bad as I thought, I did trots and that's about it. I was placed into Novice 2, it's okay, I will work hard and get into their National team!
After which, I had a chat with Daphne and Morine and Daphne offered to drive me to Little India so it will be easier to go back to Pasir Ris. On the journey, I learnt tat she actually volunteers at the Riding School for the Disabled! So I've asked to volunteer and the chances are high!
After she dropped me off, I took a cab back to Pasir Ris and met Yan Min, Melissa, Sheeren, Pei Ying and Grace for dinner and a chat. We helped Mel do her survey, something got to do with her assignment. Then I told all of them about my status, about what happened between us and what I have done wrong and I learning to be stronger and waiting for you to come home, of course. They were all very supportive of it and they will help me, guide me into a stronger and positive person and I will become the person that my heart is meant to be and my mind, my thinking and my moral code will all be in sync!
Alright, it's getting late and I need to sleep!
Goodnight Monster!

Missing you
Baby Raymond

A brand new day!

Dear Nicholas,

Hope your day was good! I was so tired yesterday that I slept from evening till now!
I was happy that I got to talk to Adeline on skype earlier this morning! She is doing great in Arizona now, but she says life is boring there, maybe because there's no ocean! She is desperately learning to speak Mandarin because her boyfriend's parents doesn't speak English! And she was swearing that its karma 'cause she dropped the language since 10!
Grace is enjoying herself alone at home, her folks went to Melbourne for a week and she finally gets the rest according to her! I still think its a pity to that she doesn't pursue a career that relates to what she'd learnt. But I guess she's comfortable working in Prudential for now!
And for me, I am finally going to Kranji for lessons from today onwards! I am still going back to Gallop Stable, but just to visit Rina and Sexy Girl because I am sure they miss me alot!
Nicholas came over to my place yesterday and we had a long chat, he told me a lot of things, guided me a few too. I heard from him that Kenny has learned of my status from you. For that, you have my gratitude, it changed him in that perspective alot. The way he views life and death, or life in death etc.
Alright, I am going out for a run now, will talk to you the next day!

With love,
Baby Raymond

Peaceful Nightts

Hi Nicholas,

It was nice seeing you, talking on the phone, walking around from your room to the other. I have to that it was freezing cold out there! I saw Uen and he saw me but we didn't talk because we were a distant away from each other and I am sure you've already knew about it. I didn't know that Perth has so much mosquitoes at night, they were biting me like crazy! Anyway, all I want to say is that I was praying so hard to get a chance to just see you, and I did! For that, I am happy. I am still learning to become stronger and you will get to see that day! I left because I didn't want to stop you from going out with your friends and get yourself stuck at home. I hope you were at least a little happy about seeing me! Even if it was just a short 10sec, it felt long for me, but definitely not enough. But it's okay! I will wait for you.

P.S.
I love you, and it's unconditional this time

Your
Baby Raymond.

Seclusion

The rain is so gloomy these days
Fogging the path in front
I don't see what is going on
I am sad
And all I can think of is
Leave me alone
I wish I will be in a place where nobody will come find me
No one that hates me
Knows me
Or loves me
Let me just be alone
I hate this place
I hate this life
I hate myself
Maybe one day
I will go to a place like that
... One day.

Gratitude

Many times
A picture speaks a thousand words
This time
Five words are more than enough

Thank you for loving me.

Blind

The sky is so dark
The rain just keeps pouring
Time is moving so slow
Did you see the sun
Did you see the rainbow

Like every bell you hit
No jingles
Just silence
Just quietness
So lonely

I feel so naked
So vulnerable
Where the hell am I
I need to stop breathing
And yet
The only thing I can do is
Keep breathing

Keep Breathing

To Live, or Not To Live.

I choose not to.

Vapourise...

The love I had
Was never lesser than anyone
I was blessed
With the greatest love
From my family
Friends
And him

I am but a cruel shell with a beautiful heart
My body will soon be destroyed
But my soul will always be with the ones I love dearly
That I keep to my heart the closest everyday

I am not afraid to die
But I don't want the ones I love dearly
To know that I am leaving
Because I know this pain will hurt them
Worse than piercing swords

If there is one last thing I want to do it right
I want them to live happy and remember the good times
For they are my angels that protected me for so long
All I ask for is their lifetime happiness
I want to die making this world happy
At least it will be a good thing...

Existence

Like the wind
We soar through the sky
Like the cloud
They overwhelm the sun
Like the rain
She cries an ocean
Like the sun
He shines again
Like the tree
The will stands steadily
Like the river
Memories flow swiftly
Like the sky
The heart broadens

Unlike any of them;
I am nothing.

His Name Is...

He is the wind in the aspen trees
He is the roar of the rolling sea
He is the call of a mighty bird
He is the voice of a spoken word
His name is like music
Can't you hear his song
His name is like music
And my voice lives on
And I sing wherever I go
If you will listen,then you'll know
His name is like music
He is my song
He is a hush of a gentle rain
He is the tap on a window pane
He is the calm of a lullaby
He is a sound of a mother's sigh
His name is like music
Can't you hear his song
His name is like music
And my voice lives on
I will sing wherever I go
If you will listen,then you'll know
His name is my strength
...You are my song